23 (so far) + Me

Is it normal for people to dread their birthdays?

Also, does anyone else cry every year on their birthday?

Because that's something I tend to do every year. Sometimes it's tears of happiness, but other (most) times something went wrong, + it wasn't a good day.

I've never really enjoyed my birthdays + feel like something usually goes wrong. It's just a day of pressure, I feel like. A day where your outfit has to be perfect, your makeup has to be precise, + be ready for LOTS of pictures. For me, it just feels like a day full of pressure and social anxiety.

I never even look at my phone on my birthday usually. I hate all of the notifications + especially those from a few random guys that saw it was your birthday on Facebook + decide to hit you up out of nowhere after six years.

Ever since I met my boyfriend, Danny, birthdays have been a bit easier. My 21st birthday was lots of fun! He + his friends surprised me with an Air BnB in Jersey City + a night of getting greasy with my boys! 22 was also a wonderful birthday I was lucky enough to spend with my friends in Malibu. (Ironically, this was the last time I went out with them due to COVID).

23 hit me like a brick wall, though. Kind of like the edible that I took before dinner.

For those of you that know me, you know that Ms. Mary Jane has been an excellent resource for my digestive issues + dealing with anxiety. Now, this isn't the weed you get from your local dealer; I have a medical marijuana card for the state of NJ. I don't want to make this about my views on marijuana (there's a whole category in my blog for that!), but I thought it would be important to let people know that I did it safely and legally.

I decided to bake some cookies a while ago with some of the oil I bought from the dispensary. I've had the oil in the past, + it didn't do much, so I doubled the dosage this time.

Keep in mind my birthday was on a Sunday this year, so of course, I had my party night with my friends Saturday night. We went to a Brazillian steakhouse in Newark, + I ate more food than I have in probably about a year.

When it came time for my family birthday dinner on Sunday - I was still SO full. I was getting ready and figured, hey, it's my birthday; let's eat this edible, have some fun, relax + eat a ton again.

So that was that. I ate the whole cookie.

After about 45 minutes in the car, we arrived at the restaurant. My sister called us because she got phone privileges for the week. She's currently in basic training for the Army in Oklahoma (gross). We talked for a few minutes; it was great to hear her voice. After I handed the phone off to my mother, I and everyone else went inside to sit at the table.

When we all sat down, I told my stepdad that I took an edible and that it was starting to kick in + I was feelin' great. He said, "oh boy," and laughed. My mom came over to the table shortly after + once we started talking, I could feel the edible kicking in a little more.

First of all - the menu for this place was HUGE + I had never been there before. It's a new restaurant. It's super cute + I will be back! I was starting to feel stressed with all of the conversations happening, the pressure of ordering an appetizer, the bright lights, being in the middle of the restaurant, + figuring out what the hell I wanted to eat off this menu.

It was like a sensory overload on crack.

So naturally, because it was my birthday, I ordered a cocktail. I got an *~excellent~* pomegranate martini that was just a bit TOO strong, especially for being on an empty stomach.

Then the shit hit the fan.

Everything was a little fuzzy + it felt like I had some crazy out-of-body experience. I kept focusing on Danny, which seemed to help a lot. Every once in a while, we would remove ourselves from the dinner table conversation + whisper to each other. I was feeling crazy, but at least I was feeling so loved at that moment.

The restaurant was playing many songs I loved, like On Melancholy Hill by the Gorillaz, + even something as simple as that was so reassuring when I needed something to focus on when I felt overwhelmed.

I was about halfway through my drink when I knew that I was definitely more stoned + now slightly tipsy too. My mom was asking me too many questions about school, + I was in no place to be thinking about how to answer them. I was trying to get my thoughts together, + it was NOT working.

At one point, someone said something slightly inappropriate, + we all said, "That's what she said," because my sister would've said it if she was sitting there with us. She's always making "that's what she said jokes." My mom used to hate it, but now she laughs at them too.

I started getting in my feels, man! Everyone sitting around the table laughing, being happy, eating good food, + getting along.

Suddenly, it was like the fact that it was MY birthday + I'm turning 23 just hit me all at once, right as the food came. Servers crowded around our table with plates when I turned around to tell Danny I needed to leave the table for a minute. Servers were calling out orders; I couldn't find my mask, + the tears were rolling down my cheeks.

I wanted Danny to come + thought he would, but I had to grab his mask + RUN for it.

I had just made it into the stall when a sob broke out. I couldn't even tell you why I was crying! I was so overwhelmed with so many emotions. Happiness, sadness, anxiety - I was feeling it all.

I look in the mirror + laughed at myself. I looked at my bloodshot, puffy eyes + glittery tears running down my face from my makeup, + laughed. I cleaned up my face (or so I thought that I did) + went back to the table to sit. When looking at the massive plate of food, I realized that I was not hungry at all. Soooo it turns out the edible that I took to successfully stuff my face did not allow me to stuff my face + got me WAY too stoned.

Now I can't even eat all the food I ordered, AND my mom asked me if I did drugs in the bathroom when I sat back down at the table.

So that was fun, I guess!

I told her I threw up because "stoned Alex" did not feel like explaining that I just had a mental breakdown in the bathroom.

We ate, + Danny talked to my mom for me like the good boyfriend he is, and after they brought out the sparklers + birthday bongos, we paid + left.

The whole car ride home, I laid on Danny's shoulder + cried some more. On the way there, I just so happened to perfectly cue up some songs + when Ribs by Lorde came on; I remember feeling a sort of bliss that I hadn't felt in a long time.

The song washed such a calm over me as I laughed at myself again, whispering to Danny that I could be in the show Euphoria with all this damn glitter melted all over my face.

I needed to have a good cry. I can't remember the last time I felt so mentally refreshed after letting everything out like that. Danny + I went back to his house, + I slept like a BABY.

There's this one quote that I like - "Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed."

I look back now as an adult and remember all of the happy times I've had over the years. But that's the result of trauma; your brain literally blocks out your memories. There are years of my life I feel like I've already "lost."

I used to be unable to picture a future for myself.

I remember being in middle + high school, wondering if I would ever make it to graduation.

When I was a teenager, life was terrible at home, at school, + with my ex-boyfriends. There was nowhere to getaway.

I remember being in middle school begging God not to wake me up in the morning.

Everyone always said things would get better, but they just got worse.

When I developed severe anxiety + more frequent panic attacks - I felt like something was wrong with me. My parents never really took me to therapy or ever offered me the option to go. I think it could've benefitted me a lot in my younger years.

I didn't understand my anxiety + how to deal with it. My father would yell at me for crying + say that I was "putting on a show" whenever I would have a panic attack. So if you don't even have a name for your body's reactions, how are you supposed to go about understanding it?

Instead of planning college + figuring out a career, I was trying to survive each day. The future didn't exist for me. I just wanted to go. I didn't know where, but I just wanted to feel free. I always felt like the weight of the whole world was on my shoulders, even throughout my entire life.

As someone who identifies as an empath (no, not like those basic Twitter girls who think they are), I need my own space to get away from everything. Everyone's energy affects me - whether it's negatively or positively. I need to be alone at the end of the day to decompress. Even the positive energy is overwhelming! (Hence all the tears at dinnertime!)

I think 23 was the first birthday that I ever felt complete. Like I knew exactly who I was, exactly what I wanted in life, + I was so happy with every single human being in my life. There were no bad vibes anymore in any aspect of my life that I was in control of. I did it. I made the life for myself that I always wanted. It was like the 23rd time I went around the sun; everything clicked. I finally made it. I made it to the place I never thought I would before. I know there's a lot more to learn, but I'm so eager now for the future in a way that I never was before.

Thanks for being here, everyone.

Yours Truly,

Alex