How To Lose Your Best Friend

I never thought that Aristotle would be relevant to my life, like ever. But as it turns out, he + Immanuel Kant have some words of wisdom that might be practical, even in 2021. In my final semester at Pepperdine, I had two classes in which I learned about philosophy.

Interestingly, I had two papers this semester (one for each class) that asked me to recall a time when I experienced a "tower moment" that helped shape my virtues and who I am today (hence The Tower Tarot card). I chose to write about how a year ago, almost to date, I lost my best friend. I've had so many people come and go over the years, but this was not someone who I expected to lose.

I remember when I was a kid, my father used to say, "What's the matter? You look like you just lost your best friend," whenever I had a sad look on my face. Well, now I can tell you that I have lost my best friend, and it sucks... a lot.

Grief is a complex concept. We can grieve loss for different things in many different ways. I'm sure most of us have experienced grief due to a passed loved one, a breakup, or anything else that creates trauma + hinders growth. The year back, in reflection, while writing these papers, I realized a lot about who I am and what I want to be. So if you haven't lost your best friend, here's a bit of what it's like.

*The names of my friend and her sister will be changed for this post. We will call her "Sam" and her sister "Taylor."

Growing up moving all over the country with a father in the Army meant not a lot of stability. However, when we finally settled in a small town in NJ, I met my best friend, Sam, in 7th-grade science class. Even when I moved again in the middle of my sophomore year of high school, our friendship still survived. While I was home at community college and she went to school in Boston, I visited once a semester. She was the strongest friendship in my life I had ever had. Her family was like mine, and I spent every summer with them at their beach house.

For my graduation from community college, her mom wrote me the most beautiful card, gave me money, + a gorgeous necklace. I cried at this expression of love from people who were never obligated to care for me in the first place. But last year, all of that came to an end. My second family became strangers to me, + it was not my choice. One year ago, my life drastically changed, but I became a better version of myself because of it.

At the beginning of last September, during quarantine, I went to stay at the beach house just like any other summer. I hadn’t seen my friend in a year - since before I started at Pepperdine when I transferred in the fall of 2019. When we were younger, her parents stayed at the house with us. Then, as we got older, we started staying there by ourselves. Now her younger sister, who was a freshman in college at the time, was also able to join us. The three of us were there for a week - it was one of the longest weeks of my life.

The whole time I felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. Sam's sister, Taylor, + I had a great time at the house one day while Sam ran errands. Sam was irritable, bossy, and lazy all week. I wanted to go out + do things - so did her sister - but with Sam, we all did something, or we all did nothing.

I used to be treated like a guest when I was here, but now it was like I was just an extension of Sam and whatever she wanted to do. Her new puppy stayed the week with us, + that was an added stressor. Taylor was the only one taking care of him. When Sam swore she would walk him the following day, she wouldn’t wake up in time. I walked him a few times actually for Taylor, for which she was grateful. Sam would also fall asleep with food in her lap that I would have to clean up for her so the puppy didn’t make a mess. I also cleaned the counters, tabletops + put all the dishes in the sink the day I left. Taylor thanked me when she woke up in the morning, but there never was a thank you from Sam for anything.

My last day with her was a classic Alex + "Sam" day. We had the best day. I drove us to the beach, + we took pictures with her mom’s fancy Nikon camera. I felt like I had my best friend back for a few hours. I dropped her back off at the house + headed home. I left feeling hopeful that there was something salvageable from the relationship. About one week later, I realized that there wasn’t.

I got a text message from Sam with a bill for expenses from the week I stayed at the house. Many of the things on this “bill” were things that she wanted that I didn’t expect to pay for. I was surprised about some of the items. She tried to split $8 parking because she wanted to go shopping one day. I was more than happy to pay for some of the things, but I calmly explained that I didn't appreciate how she expected me to give her money instead of asking for it.

I bought her coffee a few times + other things like small groceries while I was there; it wasn't like I was mooching. I wanted to eat leftovers, + she tried to order new food even though we already had some (you already know those meals were on the bill). It surprised me the most that she asked for money because all of the funds used that week were given to her by her parents; she wasn't working - I was working with a salary from babysitting twice a week. I told her I would give her some of what she asked for but not all of it. She didn’t like that. I sent the money, and she never said anything else about it.

From there, I felt disturbed about the state our friendship was in. I poured my heart out to Sam in a message explaining how I felt + that it was probably best for us to take time apart. I left the message on a hopeful note to reunite in the future and told her how much I loved her. She simply responded, "I think you're right. We should take time apart. Good luck with Pepperdine."

That’s when I was surprised to get a message from Sam another month later. It read, “I left my mom’s camera under the passenger’s seat in your car. She needs it for a baby shower this weekend. When can she come by to get it?” I didn’t even know it was in my car. I went to check, + sure enough, there it was. I replied, letting her know I would be home tomorrow, + asked if she could come around 4 pm. I got a reply that said, “She will be there from 5-6”. I waited at my dining room table the next night for Sam's mom to come to get her camera. 6 pm came around, and there was still no sign of Sam's mom coming. At 6:30 pm, I messaged her mom on Instagram, asking when she was coming by. Another 15 minutes went by, and I texted Sam, letting her know that I messaged her mom + she would have to come by tomorrow as I had a class to go to that lasted for the rest of the night + my mom was upstairs sleeping with COVID.

Sam was immediately furious that I had messaged her mother. She told me that I shouldn't have texted her directly. I told her tonight wasn’t going to work, + she said, “I don’t care. You have my belongings.” I was so furious at this point. How dare she treat me like this when I’m doing her another favor?

I stared at my phone for a minute, shocked. Then another text popped up. “If you don’t give my mom her camera back tonight, I will call the police and have them come to your house to get it.” Then came a panic attack. I could feel my body heating up from the toes up. I anxiously paced the floors. However, for one of the first times ever, I was able to calm myself down from a panic attack. I was so proud of myself! I picked my phone back up + texted, “I’m leaving it on the front porch. Good luck with everything," and blocked her.

After growing up with an abusive father, my body has always been much quicker to react to situations than my mind. So when panic attacks started, there was usually no going back, + it had to ride its course with me in the passenger seat. Unfortunately, this typically meant a lot of ugly words coming out that couldn’t be taken back once they escaped. But not today.

I have been her best friend for so many years; I knew things about her that no one else did; how could she treat me like this? How could a white person in a place of extreme privilege and a so-called “social justice warrior” threaten to call the police on her half-black friend in the wake of calls for police reform? After I cleaned her house and walked her dog for a week? I was baffled.

For the first time, I lost something significant, + I didn’t chase after it. I realized that it was for the betterment of myself to leave this person behind + act as genuinely and with as much kindness as I possibly could during the process. This person clearly needed a little bit of kindness. Biting your tongue can be difficult, especially when there is so much to say, but knowing that you reacted in a civilized manner will get you much farther. There is no one that I need to prove my virtue and worth to except for myself.

When thinking about this and its relation to philosophy, Aristotle immediately came to mind. His concept of “virtue theory” is closely related to this situation. The concept of what is truly the “right” idea to do in this situation can vary from person to person. Aristotle believes that if we focus on being a good person, the proper actions will naturally follow. I still cared about this person and their family in this situation, so I didn’t want to come across as disrespectful. I was accommodating to a short-notice request, waited extra time, and calmly asked to reschedule. I truly did everything I could.

I have been trying to find the right words to describe the ending of a relationship that felt so permanent and unwavering. I believe that Aristotle’s “proper functioning theory” can be applied to relationships. This theory states that everything has a function, and a “thing” is good to the extent that it fulfills its role + is harmful to the extent that it doesn’t. I believe that everyone comes into our lives for a reason, but some people are meant to be lessons + are temporary. I think that Sam + I’s relationship was great for the (almost) decade it lasted. She taught me many things about life and has helped shape me into the person I am today. We simply grew apart. This was not bad; I am growing, and we are no longer compatible as friends. We have different goals, priorities, and lifestyles. That is perfectly okay - even encouraged.

Aristotle argues that the desire to be virtuous already exists within us naturally. He says that someone ethical will do the right thing at the right time, know how to handle themself, have good judgment, and read a room. I believe that my experiences with relationships (romantic, platonic, and familial) have contributed to my “virtue growth.” I would also argue that Aristotle’s idea of the “virtue of honesty” applies to this situation. This theory creates the idea that a virtuous person knows what needs to be said and what doesn’t need to be said. For example, I could have written Sam an entire essay about what I was upset about what she did to me. About the things I did for her and the countless times I helped her get through an abusive relationship because I had experience with that. But is that something a virtuous person should do? Jesus tells us that when someone slaps us, we should turn the other cheek. I would argue that even though I felt that I had a right to say a lot to Sam, I was able to deliver my truth gracefully and in a constructive way rather than trying to win an argument.

I can't entirely agree with Immanuel Kant on many of his philosophical theories. Still, I will agree with his ideology of thinking about the consequences of your actions and what the world would be like if everyone made the exception you are making for yourself. For example, you steal a loaf of bread to feed your family. That seems like a fair reason to steal, but if you made that exception for yourself, you would have to agree with every exception to stealing. Sure, there were a lot of things that I could have said or done, but in the end, do I want to live in a world where we are arguing for the sake of being right vs. finding a solution? Of course, I could have lied and said that the camera wasn’t in the car + she must have lost it somewhere else. Because technically - the camera was at my house for 30 days and considered "abandoned". I could've had a nice, expensive new camera! But do I want to live in a world like that, where things are tit for tat?

For months after this incident, I wracked my brain trying to figure out where exactly the “downfall" of our friendship was. Finally, I realized that Sam liked me better when I visited her beach house and stayed in Boston with her and her friends. She enjoyed me following her around, hyping her up, and probably thought that I wanted to be exactly like her. When I was younger, I did want to be just like her.

When I first got to Pepperdine, we did not talk for months. It was strange that she hadn’t asked me about life at school or anything. I remember that I found out I got into Pepperdine while visiting her in Boston in March of 2019. Looking back, I was so excited that I didn't even realize she didn’t care to celebrate me the way I’ve celebrated her and her achievements over the years.

This year of uncertainty + growth has been challenging, but we learn + grow from practical wisdom, as Aristotle says. I have continued to struggle + face difficult situations over this year that have made me a better communicator, more intuitive, empathetic, and genuine in my intentions. There are many times that I wonder what would have happened if I was not a moral person + told all of our mutual friends her secrets that she never told anyone else. I asked myself if that were something she would do. I wondered if the things she learned about me over the years were safe with her. It's so hard to tell what her morals even are anymore. Where is the line? How badly are you willing to treat other people to get your way or feel better about yourself?

Some people allow experiences like this to harden their hearts. The reasoning is understandable for this. As humans, we exist in a way that makes us want to avoid pain and create pleasure for ourselves. Everyone always says to "be the bigger person " or “treat others the way you want to be treated,” but that is easier said than done. When these situations occur, the emotional state you are usually in does not allow for healthy/ethical communication or behavior. Ultimately, I have learned that I can only control myself, my actions, + how I perceive myself. I cannot control anything else. It's frustrating to allow people to think what they want about you, even when it's not the truth. But why waste your time + energy on people who are set on making you look like the bad guy?

This is a hard lesson to learn, I believe. To truly understand, you must detach yourself from your ego and how you are perceived. This isn't easy, especially in modern society, where we crave attention and have a strong desire to be liked by everyone. But at the end of the day, you can only do so much for people before you start to neglect your own health/safety. If people are not reciprocating your efforts equally in the relationship, it's time to re-evaluate its place in your life.

I have also learned that people who do things like this to you aren't necessarily “bad.” Everyone has their truths + their perceptions. In a world as complex as ours, it's hard to expect people to grow alongside you forever. There will come the point where someone in the relationship stops growing; the people grow into each other in a toxic way that stunts growth, or the two grow in entirely different directions. I am responsible for my development at the end of the day. If I have extra resources to help others + their growth, I am more than happy to share. But I will never allow myself to be stepped on or used by someone else in a way that devalues my worth again.

I believe that Jesus Christ wants us to be kind to everyone + be the best version of ourselves, + that is what I aim to do. I aim to act in a way that pleases God + be grateful for the blessings and lessons that I receive. I make sure to go with the just solution + deliver it with as much kindness as possible in ethical dilemmas. I want to give out the same grace extended to me by God. But while also respecting my worth and boundaries.

It's funny, though, because I find myself in situations we would be laughing about + pretend like I knew what she would say about the latest news in my life. Like, I know she had this terrible roommate in college (who I got bad vibes from the START with, and she did not believe me, lol). They were at war with each other throughout their last semester over dirty dishes. I am in the same predicament right now with a terrible + disgusting roommate, + I know we would be laughing about this together right now if we were still friends.

This semester I also lost another person I thought I would stay friends with. Maybe not forever, but at least for a little while after college, I thought. But it turns out that people are more concerned with their reputations than true friendship. The truth is that some people are incapable of having productive, healthy adult conversations. In dealing with the situation with Sam, I think it helped prepare me for the loss of yet another important friend two months ago. But that's all I can do ya know? Is to set boundaries, protect my peace + let people know how I feel. If they don't respond, then that's on them. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but it helps to know that I put myself out there + wasn't afraid to lose someone if it meant someone better would come to replace them.

I've decided that everyone important who leaves my life will be remembered one last time with a list. A list of things that this person has taught me over the years of having them in my life. So Sam, here's yours:

1. Men are trash. She + I truly coined this phrase from a young age, + it was our go-to answer for just about every problem.

2. How to make the best Gin + Grapefruit cocktail. I'll think about you every time I raise my glass.

3. You are a bad bitch that takes no shit. Men? Women? Non-binary? Idc who you are or your social status; if you don't give me respect, you don't get the time of day.

4. Know your rights. America is a complex country with complex rules. Know them. Know your rights + what the government can + cannot do to you. Knowledge is power.

5. We don't cry about boys... we get hot, go out, + flirt. Again, who is a man to control your emotions? If he's acting out then you act out too. (But like a lady, of course.)

6. I do what I want. If I want something, I don't need permission from anyone; I'm just gonna do it.

7. Make your own money + be your own boss. Remember that shit about men? We support ourselves financially.

8. Back everything up with facts. Your arguments are stronger when you have sources. Don't speak about things you don't know about. Be educated + educate others.

9. Receipts are everything—screenshots of emails, texts, phone calls, etc. Don't let anyone try to go back on something they said.

So to everyone who has left me broken to pick up the pieces for myself, thank you for making me stronger. I hope you will heal your wounds one day so you can stop creating more for others.

Yours Truly,

Alex